The other day I was listening to an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert and she was saying how when she finishes a book, she literally has to move house. It’s like she’s absorbed all the creativity in that space and poured it into the pages and then once the book is finished, it was time to move on.
And I was kind of like “oh, yes… okay that’s what this is”.
When I started #100Faces and did #365faces two years running, teaching online and my exhibition and auctions, I poured every ounce of myself into everything I was doing. In 2017 when I got back from America and Italy, finished my auction and my Held Captive class, I knew I had come to the end of something. Well, actually the end of a lot things but I didn’t know what that meant to me exactly. I couldn’t very well up and move house like Elizabeth did, but I did struggle #inmystudio space all through 2018.
Now when I look back at 2018 I can totally see how my joy wasn’t in there. I think I was kind of grieving… the grief that comes at the end of something so good and so beautiful, among some other things I felt I had lost at the end of 2017. Even though it was time to move on. It was a new season and letting go takes a moment, right?. In many ways, I had lost connection with my sacred space. I found myself often creating out of my studio and all over the house. I didn’t understand then what was going on with me. I only realised in January when my joy started making a reappearance and I was like “ohhh hello… where have you been?”.
I do think focusing on Budokon last year and being deep within in Gillian’s class, helped me focus on other things and in many ways helped me transition this process. Focusing on something else, helped me find more balance and helped my joy reappear because I fell in love with my early morning practice. I found it so deeply beautiful and restorative.
In January, I started playing with the idea of shutting down my Studio but my family almost had a meltdown. I didn’t realise how much my studio had meant to them too. In many ways them seeing me in there was something they loved as much as I did. But the more my thoughts started going down that road, I knew I had to and I couldn’t wait a moment longer. I didn’t want to move home, I actually love our quirky little house. I don’t think a house has ever suited us as much as this little one has and we have been here 8 years this year. Luckily our home has lots of rooms and funny little nooks and crannies and I knew with some shiftings I could find a new creative space for myself. And I did. I now have some beautiful natural light and window for me to gaze out of and some new energy flowing in my space. Nothing like change to breathe new life.
A few things this year were forcing me to consider change. Some things out of my control and other things physically, like my neck and the way I stand and create. I have also been locked into my filming square for a good few years and I have been feeling for a while I need to break out of that box. I need a new perspective and a new way of doing things and I’ve been in deep thinking and planning the past 3 months. Although these moments are always challenging, I am always encouraged by them because it’s in these places that innovative ideas come from. And my head has been in overdrive. I’ve also started doing my morning pages again, something else that had been missing for the past while. I’m loving having it back in my mornings.
The beautiful thing about moving… is clearing out and decluttering and so far, I’ve thrown out 3 black bags of stuff, I still have a bit of a way to go. I’ve also decided not to buy anymore paint or substrates until I’ve finished my current stash and I’m also using old frames to make my own canvases, with the help of Courteney. I am narrowing my focus and supplies because I have more than enough to keep me going for the next while.
But for now it’s back to the drawing board, literally.
I have work to do.