I am 7 months and 7 days away from turning the BIG 4.0. I am both loving and afraid of all I am discovering in turning 40 and that in many regards, I feel like my life has only really just began and other times my life seems to be happening too fast for my liking. My girls are growing up at a pace that takes my breath away. I am finding grey hairs, very long grey hairs in my mop of long hair. My body shape and face is changing every time I look in the mirror and at times I love that fact that I am growing to accept my now womanly body and shape and my new sense of style that goes with accepting oneself, perhaps for the first time in my life.  There was a time as a young mother, I felt people saw me more as the aupair to my girls than their mother but now there is no mistaking that I am their mother. There is something strangely beautiful in that too.  I have never painted a self portrait and don't often take pictures of myself, so this will be new ground for me.  I think perhaps I have never really known myself at all and for the first time, I am discovering who I really am and I would like to know this new me best. I have decided to do this exercise in doing #40 different self portrait shots. The idea has been playing in my mind for a while but last night I couldn't sleep with all the ideas swirling around my head.

So I will journey through my self portraits and see what I find, or rather WHO I find on the other end!


 "It's in the Unspoken Words that we find our Story" - Jeanne-Marie Webb

"It's in the Unspoken Words that we find our Story" - Jeanne-Marie Webb

 love this picture...

It is subtly reflecting the lines around my eye, that are very much there - a clear indication that I am almost 40, but my eye has never looked more focused. Maybe a bit of a prophetic picture for the year I am having so far. But what is also clear to me is no matter what I say or feel about this stage - there is no stopping this!

I spent two weeks thinking about the theme - {unspoken} and what it means to me.  It's pretty powerful... the {unspoken} words...  So much can happen and be said without words... A gentle smile, kind gestures, a look.  As I switched off a little this year and cut myself off a bit from the noise, the chaos and the demands of life.  I tried to find my story as I silenced all the voices {screaming out what they thought my story should be}.  It's in the quiet place and the {unspoken} words that I have started to discover {me} again.  I guess when we are slow to speak and silence the voices, it's where we find the spacious place... to Hear. to Listen. then Respond.


I don't actually have any childhood pictures of myself.  Not one.  There weren't many of me as a kid because camera film was so hard to come by in our country at that time but also my mom hasn't passed any down to me yet.  I vaguely remembered I had kept one of my mom's pics of me as a baby.  But after the move, I really couldn't think where it could be.  I felt panicked inside.  I didn't even know where I could start looking...  Long story short - I found my baby photo.  I would be devastated if I had lost this print.  I would really have no way of getting another copy.  Happy to say that this is now scanned in and saved on disc too.

Jm Baby.jpg

For some or other reason this topic has evoked some deep emotions in me.  Maybe it has to do with my lost childhood, maybe lost dreams.  I feel a little detached from this baby girl and a part of me wishes I could know her and what was going through her mind.  I feel like I don't know her one bit.  I keep wondering if she was anything like my two girls were at this age.  It kind of lined up with a prophetic word that I got over 16 years ago which only started making sense to me in the last month or so.  So I guess in many ways, I have been ready to face this...  Whilst working through Walking in this World - I noticed I had trouble answering some of the questions about my childhood dreams and hopes.  And one of the questions I had been asking myself this year is why has my life seemed so {one dimensional}.  I seemed to lack direction, dreams and hopes and that pretty much just went with the flow of life and where others felt I should be going.   But never really choosing for myself.  A thread that has continued through my life.  Always looking to others to affirm my directions or who I am but never really knowing for certain for myself.  When was it exactly that I stopped hearing the call on my life. Or maybe was that I never felt worthy enough to be called to anything of value or was it that I was never really brave enough to respond to it.  Has fear ruled me through the years or has it been a kind of apathy because I felt I had no choices.  This has been my journey this year of self discovery. Discovering who I am and what my true dreams really are.  Choosing to be brave even when I don't feel particularly brave inside.  To stop hiding.  Hiding behind the past, hiding behind what life throws.  Choosing what I want to do rather than what I feel obligated to do.  But most of all... I have been listening... and trying to respond to what is calling me right now.