I have been so focused on Kitty' finishing school and being so over all the pressures that comes with it, for her, that I didn’t stop to think about what this means to me in terms of my routine. Over the years I built my working hours around these two time zones and now I don’t have to do that anymore and what does this mean in the greater scheme of things. I got quite chocked up. 21 years is a long routine and I know I’m not alone in what this feels like or what this means. And for a moment yesterday, I panicked and scurried around trying to think of ways to fill those spaces so I wouldn’t feel the loss or the void.
Would I feel the freedom or would I feel lost to myself?
I don’t know the answers yet. It feels like a fine line. I have more than loved my momma job and although I totally understand that will never come to an end, it’s going to start looking a little different. It made me stop and take a moment yesterday, how absolutely blessed and lucky I have been to able to work the way I have - freelancing wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination easy but the sacrifice has been worth it. I’ve really had the best of two worlds, of being a working mom who was lucky enough to be there every afternoon for my girls. it’s something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Literally, it will be the first time in 21 years that I won’t be bound by other people’s routines… the thought so utterly advanced in concept that I can’t quite fathom it yet.
So yesterday I felt panicked but today I’ve decided to take a deep breath and slow my mind and allow the idea and concept to permeate into my soul and I am going to take a moment to contemplate what it all means to me. The slowing down of my schedule might be the gift of quiet I’m constantly seeking. I have a few things I would like to start thinking about and doing when I get back from Italy and next year but I want to be wise in my choices. I want to be mindful and careful about my time.