The other day, I found a picture of myself, the week before I left Cape Town in Sept 2024.
I was hugely taken a back. I totally didn’t recognise myself and how unwell I looked. I obviously couldn’t see it at the time. I love that about awareness, that it arrives when it arrives and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s a game of patience. Sometimes when we are so deep in things, our brains have a way of protecting itself from the truth but it’s clear that our bodies don’t lie.
What’s more valuable to me right now is not how sick I looked but more about how my body and mind have clearly been healing itself. I do appreciate that this needed to happen in a far away land and a season of being solo. I can even tell, there has been deep shiftings over these last 3 months - this has been truly remarkable for me to witness in real time. I feel different and more in my body each day and this is profoundly new for me. It is loaded right, we would need a month of Sundays to unpacked all of what safety looks like and feels like in the body.
I love that even now, my body continues to tell the truth of how I’m doing, I feel it’s oozing out of every fibre of my being. The gratitude I am feeling about being so well on every front, feels sacred to me and I am guarding it a little.
I have physically felt my brain changing and healing and when new awareness arrives, I’m amazed at the “why now” of it and thank it for delivering it right on time. This I do understand will continue to be a work in progress but the past three months has felt expedited and I am loving that.
They say it takes half a lifetime… I am humbled and life continues to humble me in the best ways and I’m thankful to never rush too far ahead of myself. There is a fragility to all of it and I am walking carefully with it.
I realised this week, that something has changed inside of me… as you know, for the many years I’ve used all my modalities to help regulate my nervous system and they have been an incredible support for me and I do believe helped me get to this new place. For the first time I have noticed that my grip has loosened around them. I don’t feel like I’m fighting for my equanimity and I am not striving for regulation, it is quietly there.
I have a sneaky feeling this might be what embodiment feels like and I have to say, it feels a lot like love. To be doing everything from a place of love hits differently, there is no striving, grasping or bitterness but a deep quiet compassion for all things. Dare I say… a soft soft heart!
So I end this post with so much gratitude and amazement at the miracle of healing, restoration and precious time. Much love and light, from my heart to yours, always as we step into new seasons and hopefully together, Jeanne-Marie
